kissing-scenes-advice-from-a-ten-year-old.jpgWARNING: If you’re allergic to goofballs, reading this could cause you to have a serious allergic reaction!

Ever wondered how to kiss in a movie? Well, then you’re in luck because the perfect person to talk to is a ten-year-old kid. As you read, you will learn how to:

1. Kiss when the person you have to kiss you hate;
2. Kiss when the person you have to kiss you like;
3. Kiss when you really just don’t have any feelings with this person.

Okay, so welcome to paragraph one where you learn how to kiss someone when you hate them. Just for the record, you have gotten yourself into a huge mess if that happens. Okay, so first thing to do is go to the director to give you another part. (By the way, don’t do this if you have the lead role.) Or ask the director to change the kiss to a hug–or even better, a handshake. Or best of all, a look. Okay, if the director threatens to fire you, stop this very second. The directing man or woman probably isn’t going to say yes, so that’s why I have come up with another solution which is: Tell the director your situation. Maybe they’ll be kind enough to let a stunt person do the kissing. But this is probably not going to work. So sadly, I have only one more tip to give, and this one is going to have to work! Just fake it. Get through the kiss–and get it over with in the first take. This will also make the director happy. Hey, if you want to be an actor, this is what it takes!

Okay, so now we are going to discuss something even worse: What if the person you have to kiss you like! (GROSS!) First of all, do the same things I told you to do in the paragraph above. Second, if you can’t get out of it, enjoy it–no one will ever know! They’ll think you’re the best actor in the United States of America! Is that really such a bad thing? And third, maybe you could use it as a chance to ask them out to some place unromantic afterwards like a fast food restaurant or something. Then you could get a relationship started, and they’ll never know that you actually like them, and you’re just trying to get a relationship started over a movie. Who knows? Maybe they’ll start liking you–or maybe they already like you…and you’ll end up GETTING MARRIED! Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Oh well, four thumbs up! (Both you and your kissing partner’s thumbs!) But if you’re like me, just quit!

Now if you’re indifferent to the acting partner you have to kiss, sadly, I can hardly help you kiss this person. But I will give you this advice: Do everything I said to do two paragraphs above! Other than that you could try to get some feelings toward this person. This is probably not very good advice because at least if you don’t like the person, you could just kiss them and go, “That was weird.” (Post a comment if you’ve had any experiences with liking the person, hating the person, or having no feelings toward the person. I really want to know!!!!!!!!!!) Also, don’t start talking to your kissing partner because then you might end up liking them, and that just might end up making things more complicated. Person, if you’re in this position where you don’t like or hate your kissing partner, this is the ideal place to be. (Of course, Montana is pretty nice too. And if you don’t have to kiss, and you’re starring in a Broadway movie, that’s an even better place to be. Then you can also live in Montana! Anyway, I’m getting very much sidetracked….)

Now, I will end this blog with a question. And that question is…



(minus the X’s)

Happy Valentine’s Day!